RealMan's LAN Initial Specification V 0.1 Date: 4 Jun 92 18:36:09 GMT
From: sourada@iastate.edu (Steven D Ourada)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.computers
RealMan's LAN Initial Specification V 0.1
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I) Physical Specifications
The physical transmission medium shall be a pair of standard 20 gauge copper wires, wrapped in Black Electrical Tape. Each node shall be connected to the common Aeather by means of cutting the copper wire pair, twisting the new node's wires together with the two exposed ends of the Aeather, capping the splice with Those Orange Thingies, and wrapping the entire splice in Black Electrical Tape.
We stand behind our products. (We certainly wouldn’t stand in front of ‘em or on top of ‘em. We don’t recommend that you do either.)
The CaveBear makes the following product warranty:
CaveBear products are constructed using only the finest quality sub-atomic particles. If you find a defective particle, please isolate it.
The ol’ CaveBear disclaims any warranties of fitness, unfitness, merchantability, airworthiness, nutritional value, artistic merit or anything else you might think of.
Armor Piercing Packet Packet of Mass Destruction (NEW!) e-Furniture Fast Fiber Firewall Get-A-Life Pack (UPDATED!) Maximum Momentum Router Opto Cables (UPDATED!) Percussive Maintenance Kit Switching Fabric XML to Cobol Zero Click Checkout Code Refactory (NEW!) High 5G (NEW!) Back to Cavebear Catalog
The CaveBear Catalog is now in e-Commerce! (Although we understand your skepticism – How can anybody have an e-commerce site that isn’t covered with fancy kitschy moving graphics and cart icons?)
(Why are we in e-commerce? – Because we know this will mean that our stock will be hyped by Internet-inebriated analysts and pushed by know-nothing day traders to insanely high prices, making us filthy rich.)
We are very proud to introduce our line of e-Furniture.
How much will you pay to keep your dirty little secrets secret? (Don’t forget about that night last April in LA – yes, we know about that.)
You should consider installing the CaveBear Firewall and Snoop Stopper. It will keep scum like us out of your computer. Guaranteed!
The CaveBear Firewall and Snoop Stopper is the perfect firewall. It will block all penetration attempts.
I hear you saying to yourself “Nah!
The CaveBear has heard from losers^H^H^H^H^H friends about how it feels to flip open your phone Palm Pilot only to find that the only address is for your mother and the only appointment is for a root canal.
(If you had a life you wouldn’t have that decades old flip phone - and who even remembers a Palm Pilot? Might we suggest that you get down to your local phone store and buy something newer than your grandmothers TV?
You’ve seen the ads - AT&T advertises “5Ge” (whatever that is) and other companies promise 5G wireless.
But have you ever seen it for real? We haven’t.
So, being the inventive and adventurous, not to mention silly, kind of souls we are, we went down into the Cavebear Laboratories, located deep under the peaks of the mighty Sierra Nevada mountains, and set to work.
Lo and behold, mutatis mutandis, and we here reveal:
Network dementia. The bane of aging networks!
It begins innocently enough with a few seemingly lost packets.
But it slowly becomes more intense - TCP connections begin to stall. Eventually TCP connections start to fail.
To the uneducated eye this might be diagnosed packet loss due to normal burst congestion.
But without early diagnosis and proper treatment network dementia can intensify; packets simply lose their way and end up filling circuits, switches, routers, and server interfaces.
Is your Basic Rate Interface just too basic? Do you want your Bearer channels to roar like an angry bear?
What you need is CaveBear’s copyrighted ISDN INTENSIFIER!
This handy device splits your outgoing data stream. It puts all the ones bits onto one of your two B channels and all of the zero bits onto the other B channel. This lets the data compression unit in your ISDN box go into supercharged overdrive.
The CaveBear Maximum Momentum Router is based on the same principle used by generations of auto mechanics - a bigger hammer is a better hammer.
Do you remember your first English automobile? Do you remember the reassuring tick-tick-tick of it’s fuel pump? Do you remember how you had to apply a bit of “coercive” force when that ticking stopped?
The CaveBear Research Institute (CBRI) has discovered that network packets, like the Lucas fuel pumps of yore, also need that extra oomph to get them to their intended destinations.