The CaveBear has heard from losers^H^H^H^H^H friends about how it feels to flip open your phone Palm Pilot only to find that the only address is for your mother and the only appointment is for a root canal.
(If you had a life you wouldn’t have that decades old flip phone - and who even remembers a Palm Pilot? Might we suggest that you get down to your local phone store and buy something newer than your grandmothers TV?)
You don’t have to remain a dud, a loser, a wimp – We can turn your life into a Cabaret. (Hmm, that’s a catchy phrase, we ought to write a song about it.)
Send us money and we will send you one of CaveBear’s Get-A-Life packs!
We’ll fill your contact list with names - Desiree, Tawny, Heather or Antonio, Liam, Sean, Harrison - and your calendar with appointments - Dinner with Christy at Stars, Breakfast with Spielberg at the Four Seasons, an interview on the Colbert show, a front row table at the Rosewood on Couger Night, Lunch and negotiations with your VC at 3000 Sand Hill Road.
Can you say “Soho House”?
We’ll fill your Twitter and Instragram feeds filled with sugestive selfies and photos.
Just imagine, next time you are at a party (right, you at a party?!), visualize yourself nearly rubbing up against an attractive, sexy, pheromone laden, totally devastating member of the opposite sex, and then imagine you, yes you, whipping it out (your phone! Not your Palm Pilot! you dummy!) and saying “Yes, we can do dinner, I can meet with Hemsworth some other time.”
(For a few dollars more we’ll disable the secret wireless link that sends all the names and numbers you capture directly into our own database.)
You have a choice of packs to fit your mood, to fit your personality, or to fit your car. (We will happily upgrade you a new Ferrari, Rolls, Jetta, or Buick as most fits your new image.)
So who do you want to be?
- Movie Mogul
- High Tech Capitalist
- High-priced Plastic Surgeon
- Man/Woman “with connections”
- Soccer Star
- Wonder Woman
- Soap Opera Star
- Announcer on a Mexican Radio Station
We’ll send you an update every two weeks (not that you’ll need it, but we like the cash flow.)
For an additional fee we can add a fulfillment service. (Due to legal restrictions we can not offer this additional service in all localities.)