Several of our researchers here at the CaveBear Labs supplement their income by going down to Pacific Avenue in Santa Cruz where they sit in doorways and ask for “donations”. Occasionally some wise tourist comes by - wearing a polyester shirt and sandals with socks - and sagely advises our staff to “pound sand”.
Knowing that life is full of secret cues, we went down to the beach one night and tried pounding the sand. Nothing happened.
So we sadly slunk back to our labs. But we still had the notion that pounding on things might be a good idea - so we gave our old VAX-750 coffee table a good solid whack with a chair. The darn thing started working!! The lights went on, the disks spun up, and DCL poured out of the printer!
We figured we must be onto something. And we were - we had discovered Percussive Maintenance!
Our tireless scientists have spent the last two years refining Percussive Maintenance from an art into a science. We’ve pounded on everything from routers to servers, from connectors to switches, from laptops to PDAs - and now we make this amazing discovery available to you!
You will be amazed at what Percussive Maintenance can do. One of our scientists discovered that a touch of Percussive Maintenance could reduce the airtime on his cell phone to zero. Another tried a bit of Percussive Maintenance on his wrist watch - it never ran fast again.
The CaveBear Percussive Maintenance Kit consists of several tools we have found to be particularly useful for repairing, or just tuning, the average network.
- 8 lb sledge hammer (16 lb version available for NSPs, tier 1 ISPs, and other operators of very large networks.)
- Steel toed boot (specify size and whether you prefer left or right foot.)
- Granite boulder (specify California or New Hampshire variety.)
- Big stick (Just like Teddy used to carry.)
- Unwrap your Percussive Maintenance kit and rub some of the included oil over your biceps and chest until you resemble Victor Mature in some 1950’s Technicolor spectacular about ancient Egypt.
- Locate the equipment that needs that gentle adjustment that only Percussive Maintenance can give.
- Clear enough space so that you can get an unimpeded wind up.
- Strike it with the stick! Then whack it with the boulder! If it’s still not working, then kick it with the boot! And if that doesn’t do the trick, pound the beejeebers out of it with the sledge.
Remember to collect and recycle any shrapnel that may fly off of the device being repaired.
And there’s more! If you order today we will give you at no extra charge:
- An anvil - What better way to enjoy your Percussive Maintenance tools than by having a quality anvil. Our anvil is made of the highest grade of cast iron and is guaranteed to be heavy. It’ll be invaluable for those evenings when you and your friends get together to tune your network and end up giving an impromptu performance of the Anvil Chorus.
- A jack-hammer - Ah, the joy of pneumatic assistance! Imagine what
your friends and neighbors will say when you use your jack-hammer to
dig up your street to fix your cable TV system! (Our standard model
is a lady’s jack-hammer. We will provide a full sized he-man’s jack
hammer for a small upgrade fee and your signature on a release form.)
Remember, jack hammers are most effective when used between 5 and 7am
on Sunday mornings.
- The advanced Percussive Maintenance Kit includes a compressor with an unmuffeled diesel and an assortment of air chisels, impact wrenches, and a needle scaler.
WARNING: We recommend that you do not take the CaveBear Percussive Maintenance kit or Anvil with you when rock climbing, bungee jumping, hang gliding, or scuba diving. If you do take the kit or anvil when sky diving, please check that the landing zone is clear of innocent bystanders.
NEW!!! Be the first on your block to sign up for CaveBear’s advanced Percussive Maintenance course - you will learn all about the latest advanced techniques. Learn how to use shaped charges and heavy equipment to get those bugs out of your network. Parental permission is required.